Meandering through my Mind

Sometimes I need to just start writing to find out what I want to write about. This kind of "journaling" has worked well in the past and often has produced some wonderful insights.

Paying attention to what is around me, to what my senses are experiencing is a fun exercise. My skin feels the warmth of the sun with the coolness of the wind skimming over the surface...very pleasant and relaxing. There is a glare off of the water and with my eyes protected I can enjoy the sparkling effect of the sun as the wind creates movement on the surface.

Because of the wind and a dramatic proliferation of weeds in the lake, the view is distinctly different. Where the weeds grow above the water, "islands" are created, surrounded by little "streams" that appear to flow.  The lake is a patchwork of green "islands" and blue "streams." Seeing and feeling the effects of the wind is wonderful, as is the sound created by a combination of breezes and gusts. Its great to be alive!

A Belted Kingfisher calls out his familiar greeting. There are just a few birds I can identify by their call: this is one of them. My first bird was a robin that, as a child, I thought was beautiful. It still is and I recognize his call. Ted got very good at recognizing and remembering bird song and calls and he loved to identify the different species as they visited throughout the seasons. This was a great place to be for his last years on this earth. He would be pleased to know that I am getting so much pleasure out of being here. The geese love foraging around the weeds and seem to be enjoying the afternoon as much as I am. There is no franticness around me.

Without Ted sitting next to me sharing the sights and sounds, the writing helps me feel less lonely. He loved to be out on our dock with a book, the binoculars, a fishing rod in the water, a glass beverage sitting nearby. It is a pleasure being here and remembering his enjoyment. It seems strange to sit on the dock when he used to be there so much and I loved to join him. Interesting how I have gravitated to this deck off the upstairs bedroom where I can look down on all that we shared. Every night and every morning Ted would meander out on this deck or sit on our bed and look out when the weather didn't permit. He started this habit on day one in this house and continued to until he landed in the hospital for his final days.

I can't see a bird, a bicycle, a lake, a mountain, hear the wind, the sound of music, our grandchildren, feel the caress of the wind, the sun on my skin without remembering our shared moments. It is in these moments that I feel the closest to Ted and remember best the bond that we had. I remember how I love him.